little tiny bundles of coos and yawns and squeaks that are entering my life faster than i have time to prepare my heart. tonight i held the newest in the bayley world. mr corbin. he is so cute. and snuggles right into you and so gently reminds me that someday this joy and treasure will be mine to have too. and then saturday it is baby shower time for a dear friend of mine. our lives were intertwined for so many years and now she is having a baby.
this still shocks me a little. to think that i am allowed to bring children into this world. that myself and friends of mine are here. we have arrived. no longer children playing house with dolls and barbies but women - our plates piled high with expectations, we work, we own homes, we drive cars that we purchased, we make dinner and balance checkbooks (or use online banking...sorry mom, all those lessons at the dinner table are washed away with the ease of a click).
being a mom was something i always thought would come quickly in my life. get married, have babies, happily ever after...right? well being married is a lot more work than i ever thought it was going to be. i love love love b. and i love being married to him. but it took me a while to learn important lessons in our marriage and i think i will always be doing this - for the next 50 years hopefully! but i try to imagine a baby too and i suddenly feel overwhelmed, claustrophobic and very unprepared. so i am taking this as my cue that it is not time. i am not ready no matter how much i love the feeling of a little baby sleeping on my chest, or how sweet the sound of sammy, my nephew, saying sawah in 2 year old jabber or how all my friends seem to adjust so well to this new life.
i am not ready. not yet. we will see what tomorrow brings.