Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh...

I will be glad and exult in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.

The gladness in my heart has been sucked out of me. Sorrow and anger have filled the beds that gladness and peace once curled up in. these feelings are not welcome in my place of peace. they do not have an invitation or a seat but it seems they work their way in along with being discouraged, overwhelmed and alone.

I am constantly be served with reminders that this is not our home. That these bodies are merely containers for our souls. We are meant to face things that make us long for perfection. Things that make us know there is a day coming with no hurting, no sickness and where we will walk as one with our Savior – living in a state of completion. No longing or questions of what is next. But where we will live in the present moment, never being able to fully absorb the glory and greatness of it all. And I will laugh and sing praise. oh how i long for the day.

babies

little tiny bundles of coos and yawns and squeaks that are entering my life faster than i have time to prepare my heart. tonight i held the newest in the bayley world. mr corbin. he is so cute. and snuggles right into you and so gently reminds me that someday this joy and treasure will be mine to have too. and then saturday it is baby shower time for a dear friend of mine. our lives were intertwined for so many years and now she is having a baby.

this still shocks me a little. to think that i am allowed to bring children into this world. that myself and friends of mine are here. we have arrived. no longer children playing house with dolls and barbies but women - our plates piled high with expectations, we work, we own homes, we drive cars that we purchased, we make dinner and balance checkbooks (or use online banking...sorry mom, all those lessons at the dinner table are washed away with the ease of a click).

being a mom was something i always thought would come quickly in my life. get married, have babies, happily ever after...right? well being married is a lot more work than i ever thought it was going to be. i love love love b. and i love being married to him. but it took me a while to learn important lessons in our marriage and i think i will always be doing this - for the next 50 years hopefully! but i try to imagine a baby too and i suddenly feel overwhelmed, claustrophobic and very unprepared. so i am taking this as my cue that it is not time. i am not ready no matter how much i love the feeling of a little baby sleeping on my chest, or how sweet the sound of sammy, my nephew, saying sawah in 2 year old jabber or how all my friends seem to adjust so well to this new life.

i am not ready. not yet. we will see what tomorrow brings.

taking a moment

i am starting to cherish moments like these. despite missing my husband while he is off at work providing for our little family i have found a certain peace in the quiet of our home. it is filled with things that i like to do. i can clean to my hearts content, i can eat a piece of toast for dinner, work on a quilt or bake up a storm. i watch gilmore girls and old movies filled with dancing and singing. i sit and read. and read. and read.

but even though all of these things are great none of them are as wonderful as my handsome husband walking across the squeaky floor and saying hi to me when he gets done with work.

tonight i baked. i was excited for this all day. i knew that my husband had picked me some zucchini and it was made to be mixed with flour and eggs and a little chocolate to make the most wonderful summer bread. it smells so good. and i cannot wait to have a taste.

long lost friend we meet again...

i needed you to come. i needed the snow to melt and the green grass to stand proud. i needed the warm breeze to hit my face and send my hair flying. i was longing to feel the sun, to have it warm my frozen bones and turn my skin to caramel. thank you for coming so swiftly. for bringing your blue skies and warm afternoons. you have turned the branches of tired bare trees to crimson and gold with buds that will soon burst to life. you have spoken magic words to your flowers that coax them out of hibernation. i needed to know that you wouldn't forget to come when winter overstayed its welcome. thank you for bringing life back to a barren land.

my sunday project.

She didn't even care that this project is for her...

home

home (hm) noun
1. A place where one lives; a residence.
2. A dwelling place together with the family or social unit that occupies it; a household.
3. The place where something is discovered, founded, developed, or promoted; a source.

We are almost home. Well someone's home, which we will hopefully during the upcoming months and throughout the next 15 to 30 years turn into our home. I have been renting a place to put my bed and my few boxes of possessions for the last 6 years. I am not sure what to feel with the permanence that comes with owning a home. My address will no longer change based on my life situation, my life will revolve around this hub of a home. I can paint, knock down walls, change the carpet and put the sarah stamp on it without having to ask anyone. I will finally get to the bottom of the boxes that have never really been unpacked because I just know I will move again.
This town will also be my home again. Although I grew up here it is different to come back, be married, have a job and really live here. This small town has a way of wrapping its arms around you and holding on. I love knowing someone who loves us is only a phone call away and that there is always a farmers market on Thursday mornings. The Regent theater will continue to be the best place to see a movie and Corky's will always mark the beginning of spring.
So home will be home again. And I think that will be great.

holy sunlight.

days like today make me long for summer. when the snow has been here for so long it seems as if the world has always been white. a glimpse of green makes my heart pound a little faster and if i find a spot that has been warmed by the sun i will take a moment longer to linger there.

oh glorious sunshine. you have a way of reaching down into the frozen part of me and adding a little glimmer of hope that spring will come. flowers will bloom and grass will grow. on the nights that i lay awake and shiver i will soon sweat through wishing for some relief from the heat. but for now i will dream of sunny days, open windows and a world bursting with life

for now i will sit in this sunny spot until it no longer shines on me and i will breath deep of the fresh air around me and be thankful for the sunshine.

thank you lord for the sun.