winters last stand.

“lets walk, i need to tire out this over ambitious lab out”

so we walked.  my mother and I, side by side, as it was meant to be.  we talk about life and work and ups and downs, trying not to dwell on the problems or to have a heart of complaining but rather, as we are on this journey to find joy, that we will have grateful hearts.  How could we fail to not even recognize this moment as a moment of great joy - two women walking through gods beautiful creation, a mother and daughter journeying with each other finding the extraordinary in the daily.  

it is the warmest day we have had since winter broke.  as thermostats all over west michigan boast of 68 a warm wind blows and ushers in new life.  Spring is almost here, the snow is melting into the soon to be green fields and life will come again.

my toes feel moisture seeping through my socks and I hear the gently crunch beneath me as we step into the woods.  snow lingers here.  in the shaded protection of the lofty trees it waits to say its final goodbye.  a chill runs over me, the temperature has dropped on our path, where the snow sits in protest, the cold of winter still lingers.  I say something so obvious as - oh it is colder here - but my thoughts don’t leave that moment...

in the shaded, dark areas of our hearts we often let snow linger.  we hold onto our broken and wounded spirits, we hide our falsely justified anger, and we hold our fear white knuckled.  generations have carried the same burdens and have passed down to each of us the perfect recipe to let the burden simmer for another lifetime, perfect the process and pass it down again.  in the shadows, in the places where we have built walls to hide our sacred downfall we push God out.  We don’t allow the warmth of His grace usher in change, we don’t let his unmatchable love loosen the binds that hold us to our past - instead we hide.  Afraid of change, afraid of freedom, not willing to loose control and let love replace brokenness.  

1st Peter 1v18
For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to your from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.

we know the ending.  we know the snow will melt and things will grow.  grass will cover the earth in a blanket of green, flowers will bloom and paint a masterpiece everywhere the eye can see.  He trades beauty for ashes....even still we cling to the ashes.

lord, help me break the cycle. 

morning light....

i open my bible and papers from years gone by spill out.  weekly announcements from churches visited over the last few years, notes taken in haste as to not forget the knowledge being poured out to eager ears, a silly note from my sister that i am so glad i kept.  

the light is pouring through the window.  it is the morning sunshine that welcomes a time of prayer and discovery.  with it comes warmth and comfort as i sink into the familiarity of this moment.  it is a moment of peace, a moment of complete clarity that yes rather than do a task or complete a list i long to come to this book and to this God and rest.  

and i have discovered that HE is meeting me there.  that for all of this time where i have been asking - where are you? why can’t i feel you? where are you guiding this tired soul? - i have been so wrong.  it is not Him who wasn’t there, however it is i that was afraid, unaware and sadly i didn’t think i needed that... i needed grace and i needed worship and i needed to be saved from an eternity in hell but my a la cart faith left me feeling selfish, distant and lacking.  

and now i sit morning after morning, capturing moments throughout the hustle and bustle of the day to pray, to be thankful, to find joy and something in me is awakening.  i have seen a new dawn, i have come to the throne and found my King waiting for me.  

how blessed am i...